Friday, February 20, 2009

Planned Douche-hood

Hello all my FOS lovies! My apologies for having blipped out for a while...I haven't had much news, so I stayed low-key.

However: Exciting news! My embryonic one-woman show, which I was sure I wanted to be about fat, finally came to me the other morning at asscrack-o-clock in the shower. I was so inspired that I recorded all my jumbled thoughts on a digital voice recorder and plan to start the writing post haste. It has begun!

That leads me to today...which will surely have a place in the show.

So, thankfully, no one has outright told me to lose weight since my last asshole boyfriend nearly 4 years ago. (Besides myself, of course.) No other parties have been involved.

However, 3 months ago, I started my first birth control pills...mainly because I'd had my period for 2 months straight, and I was so irregular it was ridiculous. So I bought a few packs from my local Planned Parenthood. Before doing so, I had a whole checkup (and completely traumatic pelvic exam...another story, another time), including weighing myself. It was the first time I'd stepped on a scale since...oh, probably 2006, and I was kinda surprised that the number was 219. Last time I'd been on a scale it was ~185/190, and so I assumed that I was pretty much the same, because my clothes sizes have only gone up by small increments. Anyway, thank G-d I'm now a Fat Warrior, because seeing that number would have made me duct tape my mouth shut many moons ago.


So, when I went to this godforsaken PP in December, I was 219. Fine. My BP has always been fantastic, and I was told (of course) that after 3 months of pills, I'd need a check-up to make sure my health wasn't taking a nosedive.

I went in today to do sed checkup. The first thing the uppity nurse did was weigh me, and lo and behold, what is it? 224. The look that that woman gave me made me want to punch her teeth out. She pulled me into another room and took my BP, where she said, "Hold on, let me get the *other* cuff for you, so you'll be more comfortable." So she brings in the Fatty-Fatty-Fat-Fat cuff for me, which is attached to the most antiquated machine I have ever seen. She takes my BP: 120/70. Last time it was 110/70, but this number is still good. (I am hoping it stays that way, because these pills are making my sexual and reproductive life MUCH more pleasant.)

Then the bitch is like, "Oh, well, 5 pounds...that's quite a bit." (O Rly?) "You'll just have to watch all that fatty stuff and junk food!" *surreptitious wink*

Excuse me? Why are you winking at me? I am in on NOTHING with you, lady.

Then, bitch sends me to a *second* nurse. I'm not sure exactly what I'll be needing from her, but apparently it's *counseling* on my fat!

Now, I don't have to explain or defend what I choose to eat to anyone. I will say, just for the sake of the story, that I usually am a very heavy grains/fruit/veg eater, with dairy coming in right afterwards. I get lots of produce and I love it. Over the past couple of months, most of what I've eaten has been restaurants and fast food, so this MAY play in as a factor. Regardless, it ain't nothin' I have to VALIDATE to ANYONE.


So, this second nurse sees me come in, and she says, "So. Are we dieting and exercising?"

Before I ripped her a new one for indicating that I should diet, I calmly said, "I eat well and I walk a lot." (This has not been terribly true recently, but the last thing I'm going to do is provoke her.) She looked at me dubiously and I said, rather smugly, "I'm naturally fat."

She--like Nurse 1--says, "Mmm, well, you've already gained 5 pounds. Try to really be careful, we don't want that to keep going up!" At this point, she smiles and tries to gather me into this little chick-tete-a-tete we're having. I do not smile.

Am I *happy* that I gained 5 pounds? Not particularly. Am I upset that I did? Well, only because these nurses had the nerve to indicate that it was bad for me, despite my STELLAR (yes, STELLAR) health history.

I had not weighed myself for years because I used to be consumed with it. On top of that, if my clothes fit, I assume that I'm holding steady. If they don't, I assume that I'm gaining/losing. It's pretty simple. And I try not to care either way.

Well, guess what, bitches? My clothes that fit in December still fit now. Yes, a considerable portion of my food intake is currently coming from Chili's and Zaro's, but that is none of your business and entirely mine to feel *utterly* fine with.

LORD it took so much energy to keep from wringing their necks! I would have loved to lay them out with my F.A., but I've been off the feed for a while, so my F.A. trivia is running a little low.

Anyway, this has mainly been a ramble, but yeah: the first time the medical industry has approached me about my body in years, and YES: I am MAD AS HELL.

See you in my play, motherfuckers!



Andee J. said...

Douche is right! Dude, nurses and doctors are supposed to know basic facts like birth control pills can make you retain water. I mean, five pounds? I could lose that in a good sneezing fit.

I went up 10 on one BCP and I weigh only slightly less than you do. And my doctor wasn't fazed at all, he just said, "Yeah, it's probably water weight from the pill, that's a common side effect. No big deal."

It would be nice if they all knew that.

Andee (Meowser)

Ms. Heathen said...

I have shoes that weigh more than 5 pounds! Five pounds is a drop in the bucket compared to anyone's total body weight, I don't think it's enough to get alarmed over.

PP is the only place a lot of women can afford to get their pills, imagine if one of these ninny nurses scared another fat person away from going to PP to get their birth control. You have a lot more restraint than I do, one of those idiots would be on the unemployment line if it'd been me.

The Zaftig Thespian said...

I KNOW! Slowly but surely, I am losing my self-restraint filter. It'll probably get me shot at some point, but for the time being, it feels good to be getting appreciably more snarky. :)

Tangerine said...

Wow, that is totally appalling! Plus totally weird because it isn't actually uncommon to gain 15-20 pounds on BC, they should probably know that, since it is their business and all. I get worried going to PP sometimes because it is my only doctor at the moment and I gave up dieting about a year and a half ago and my weight went up (which I expected) and I was really glad they didn't say anything. My BP has also been pretty high the last few times (even though it is normal at home) because I either had a painful infection or was about to get an IUD so I was super stressed. When I asked the (fat) nurse if I should be doing anything to help it she said "get some cardio and eat less salt" and I was so glad that weight never came into it. The only sizeist thing I've seen at this particular clinic is a sign on the scale that says "Pretend it is your IQ" which is like, why even comment on it at all, and is actually really not funny if you are a tiny lady who weighs 90 lbs. I'm not really sure what I'm getting at except that it seems that there is no reason for them to comment on this stuff unless it is in some way related to your ladybits or perscription dosage, or you specifically ask about it. Blah, lame!

Christin said...

I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience at PP. I am on the Depo shot, and probably 9 months ago when I went to PP here in Austin, TX to go get back on the shot after about a year hiatus from it, when they weighed me (I knew I had gained a bit of weight, and because I'm still new to the FA thing and felt the need to justify myself to them), I started right off with "I know I've gained some weight but I eat well and exercise..." and blah blah blah, and the nurse told me "Not everyone is meant to be super thin. You are tall. You look great." (I am 5'9'' and weigh between 230-240). I was relieved that I didn't get the usual weight loss chat.

MrsDrC said...

Seriously, I think I would have gone off on them about how they are lucky I'm not a recovering anorexic because their talk of FIVE FLIPPIN' POUNDS could have really been a trigger!


But I'm evil like that.

kieriel said...

Wow, that was at a PP? That sucks. I'm really sorry that happened to you! That's totally unprofessional behavior, in my opinion.

I've been going to a local PP for the past 4 years to get yearly pelvic exams, birth control refills, etc. and have never had them say anything about my weight. And I was around 315 when I went in the first time. Since then I went down around 250, and back to around 295, and STILL no comments on my diet/exercising/etc. They had an issue with my blood pressure last year, but it was a one time thing and I didn't get any lectures about how I was ZOMGDEATHFAT and was a horrible person or anything. They just asked me to take my own BP at home each day and record the results, then call them the following week. Both nurses at the office I go to are exceptionally thin, so I've always kind of expected a lecture.

Hopefully the PP in YOUR area will hire more professional staff in the future.

birdalini said...

Right on woman! I have a similar experience at the doctor office. I rarely go because I don't need to ie: healthy. All the stats are good and yet they make assumptions about how I eat and my "unhealthness" based on my large body. EFF that and the stupid scrawny horse they rode in on. Keep trucking! haha

Well-Rounded Mama said...

They should totally know that wt gain can be a side-effect of the Pill, water-weight or otherwise. Messing with the hormones can do that. Duh.

I bet they've been told to really get on anyone who starts gaining on the Pill so they can stop the process before "it gets too far" or something. But hey, if it's a side-effect of the meds, what are you realistically gonna be able to do about it?

Plus, I'm sorry.....FIVE pounds? That's a totally normal fluctuation with any woman's cycle anyhow. This was just silly all around.

I think the thing that irritates me the most in these encounters is the condescending, royal "we" in their comments. Ugh.